Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Bear Mountain Hires new Director of Golf

By: Bob Spiwak

There will be a new face at Bear Mountain Ranch Golf Course in 2008. Having arrived late last year, Cory Pickeral will assume the title director of golf. Not to worry, Von Smith will remain the head pro. In Pickeral's words, Smith is, "the face of Bear Mountain Ranch." The course and neighboring homes are located south of - and over a thousand feet above - Lake Chelan in north-central Washington.

Pickeral's involvement will augment Smith's duties which, over the three years the course has been open, have grown exponentially as more and more golfers ply its 18 holes. One of Pickeral's projects is to develop a trail system on the property - something about 3 to 5 miles long which will be used by home owners, and in such a way it will not be an annoyance to golfers. With owners Jerry and Mary Pat Scofield developing the complex on part of their 6,000 acres adjacent to 20 thousand additional acres of public land, Pickeral sees more responsibilities on the horizon.

He will be in charge of the business end, doing public information, budgeting, promotion and payrolls; the pro shop will remain in Smith's sphere. Pickeral is a PGA professional, having worked as both head pro and assistant at southwest Washington courses like The Cedars on Salmon Creek and Royal Oaks Country Club.

Asked about new developments at the golf course, he noted that construction is in progress on a grass berm on the fifth hole to stop or slow down balls that tend to roll out-of-bounds as they skitter down the steep left-to-right-sloped fairway. There will be a cart path down the right side of that fairway along the berm.

The new sixth fairway will make the hole more straightforward instead of an acute downhill dogleg-left to an elevated green. Built and seeded last year, it should be playable this spring. The first tee will be expanded, and a goodly portion to the right will be seeded to make sliced balls more visible while offering a different route to the first green.

A new amenity this year will be unlimited range balls. A cart is included in the green fees, which will run about $50. Barring snow, the course will open on April 8th. For details visit http://www.bearmt.com.

Bob Spiwak took up golf in 1953 as a respite from the rigors of selling bibles door-to-door in North Dakota. Though suffering a four-year lapse, he's back to being a fanatical golfer. Now a contributing editor for Cybergolf, Spiwak has written articles for almost every golf magazine in the Western world. Bob's most treasured golf antiquity is a nod he got from Gerald Ford at the 1990 Golf Summit. Spiwak lives in Mazama, Wash., with his wife and several pets next to his fabled ultraprivate Whispering Rattlesnakes Golf & Flubbers Club.

UNM needs volunteers for golf tourney

The University of New Mexico is seeking about 200 volunteers to help during the NCAA women's golf championships, to be held May 20-23 at the Championship Course in Albuquerque.

The tournament will attract more than 120 of the nation's top college golfers.

Volunteers are needed as scorekeepers, spotters and in other roles on the course, as well as in the hospitality tent, for food and beverage distribution, media support and in other capacities.

Most volunteers will work shifts of 6 1/2 hours. A mandatory training session will be announced at a later date.

There is a link to a signup form at golobos.com.

Sauer, Carlson Shoot 67's in the John Burns Final Round

The University of New Mexico men's golf team shot a season low 279 in the final round of the 2008 John Burns Intercollegiate on the Leilehua Golf Course in Schofield Barracks, Hawaii. The Lobos finished with a three-round total of 861 (290-292-279), three strokes under par and in 16th place in the 21-team field.

UNM was led by junior Jon Sauer and freshman Tom Carlson, who both shot 5-under 67's today. Carlson finished tied for 24th at 6-under par (73-70-67=210) in just his second career start. Sauer had his first under-par round of the tournament and his lowest of the season today, finishing at 2-under (73-74-67=214) and tied for 44th.

No. 15 Auburn ran away with the title, posting a 44-under 820 (278-273-269) and breaking the tournament record by three strokes. Cal's Stephen Hale shot three 67's on his way to a 15-under 201 to take the individual title.

Junior Steve Saunders shot a 1-over 73 today. He finished tied for 65th at 2-over (71-74-73=218). Junior Parker Pemberton finished his third round with an even-par 72. He shot a 3-over 219 (73-74-72) to tie for 70th overall. Sophomore Kyle Nielsen finished the tournament at 11-over par (74-79-74).

The Lobos return to action on March 14-16 at the E-Z-Go Schenkel Invitational in Statesboro, Ga. The three-round tournament will be played at the Forest Heights Country Club and hosted by Georgia Southern.

Hock Takes Playoff; Wins Back-To-Back On Champions Tour

Naples, FL (AHN) - Scott Hoch made an eight-foot birdie putt on No.18 to force a four-hole playoff, then rolled in another eight-footer on the first playoff hole to win The ACE Group Classic for his second straight Champions Tour victory on Sunday.

The 52-year-old Hoch picked up the top prize of $240,000 a week after winning the Allianze Championship in Boca Raton. He now has three Senior titles. He won 11 times over a 25-year PGA career.

Hoch, Tom Jenkins, Tom Kite and Brad Bryant all finished regulation at 14-under par 202. Jenkins, Kite and Bryant had all made pars on No. 18 before Hoch made his birdie.

On the playoff hole, Jenkins and Kite both missed chip shots after going over the green. Bryant lipped out a birdie putt.

Said Hoch, "I just said, 'Let's end it here. I don't want to play anymore. Anything else could happen."

Aggie Women’s Golf Plays in Miami to Open Spring Season

Miami, Fla. – New Mexico State women’s golfer, freshman Suteera Chanachai finished the first day of the spring season in a tie for 12^th at the Qdoba Invitational hosted by the University of Maimi, Sunday, Feb. 17 in Miami Lakes, Fla.

Chanachai (Bangkok, Thailand) pared 13 of 18 holes to card a 3-over-par 75 in a tournament that included some of nation’s top collegiate players and lots of rain on Don Shula Golf Course.

“Suteera seems to have started the spring season right where she left off in the fall,” head coach Paul Brilliant said. “The field is very good and this will be a great way for our team to see where we stand.”

Sophomore Brittany Collins (Bluffton, S.C.) wasn’t too far behind Chanachai as she fired 4-over-par 76 to tie for 19^th with a few other players. Collins fired a 38 in the front and as well as on the back.

East Carolina University led all teams after the first day of play with a team total of 8-over-par 296, while Louisville and Maimi were only four strokes behind and tied for second. Western Athletic Conference competitor, San Jose State ended the day in fourth with a 14-over-par 302. There were four teams tied for fifth while the Aggies finished day one in ninth as they carded a 314. Mississippi State, Coastal Carolina and Southern Mississippi rounded out the field.

Individually, Miami’s Jessica Steward and Kansas’s Grace Thiry led all players with a 1-under-par 71 and were the only players to shoot under par.

“If we are able to cut a few strokes off our score and jump in front of a couple of teams, I believe it will be a big step for our team,” Brilliant said.

Freshman Apinporn Swaschuto (Bangkok, Thailand) came in with an 8-over-par 80 to tie for 40^th, while sophomore Georgina Dunn (Northampton, England) tied for 53^rd with an 11-over-par 83 in her first collegiate tournament away from Las Cruces. Sophomore Maggie Murphy (Sioux Falls, S.D.) rounded out the Aggie field with a 16-over-par 88 to come end the day in 64^th.

The Aggies will continue the tournament Monday, Feb. 18 with a shotgun start beginning at 12:30 p.m. Fans can look for results at www.nmstatesports.com or at www.golfstat.com at the end of the day’s play.

Mustangs Take Cactus Thaw; Molina, Bickford Earn Medalist Honors

Western New Mexico University’s men's and women's golf teams are the only winners the Cactus Thaw has ever seen. Both teams delivered solid performances Sunday and outdistanced their respective fields over a tough-playing Silver City Golf Course, their home stomping grounds. Both Mustang squads also took the inaugural event in 2007.

WNMU seniors Marcus Molina (Albuquerque, NM) and Tina Bickford (Butte, MT) maintained their first round leads to take medalist honors in each division. Molina, who shot 67-72 (-3) held off University of Arizona's Mark Lamb who closed with 68 to pull within two shots of the lead. WNMU's Greg Pool (Surrey, BC), Scottsdale Community College's Ben Lange and South Mountain Community College's Chace Nathe finished tied for third at three-over.

On the women's side, Bickford's matched her first round tally of 77 with the same score Sunday and held off a late bid from last year's champion Jessica McKay (Grand Canyon University), who also shot 77 to finish five shots off the lead. The talented twosome, who also finished 1-2 last year, were tied with six holes to play, but McKay faded down the stretch while Bickford finished those holes one-under par.

The Mustang women captured their third tournament of the year with the victory in 'The Thaw’ after posting scores of 327-319, 63 shots better than second-place Mesa Community College (351-358). Grand Canyon University finished third (361-355), followed by Adams State College (368-370). The College of the Southwest shot 378 in the closing round but didn't have a team score in round one.

The Mustang men's closing 283 (-1) improved their first round advantage of nine shots to a 22-shot final advantage of Scottsdale Community College, the NJCAA National Champions last year. The University of Arizona's B team moved up to third after closing with 291, matching Scottsdale's final round tally.

South Mountain Community College faded to fourth, followed by Mesa Community College, Midland Community College, Chandler-Gilbert Community College, Grand Canyon University (B), College of the Southwest, Colorado School of Mines, Montana State University – Billings, and New Mexico Military Institute.